Where do I start

Sunday, April 20, 2008

A letter to the one I lost

I wish I could go back to the first day we spoke
I wish I could have given you a clean slate
Not one filled with the hurts of my past, the cares of today or the fear of tomorrow
I wish I could have taken down the walls that surround my heart
Let you into my world and made it our world.
I wish I appreciated your concerns
I wish I realized your words were true and cherished your time just a little more

But you see I couldn't
I was scared
I was falling for a girl I knew little about
I was letting you into an area that had been shut for some time
Each time you almost made it up my wall, I had more bricks placed
Each time I found myself trusting you, I created doubts to put you in check

As time has gone by,
I find myself sitting around and asking "What if?"
What if I had allowed you in
What if I had thrown all my concerns away
What if I had given you a fair chance
What if I had trusted you
What if I had tried
What if?

But I am glad you are happy
I am glad you are where you are
Glad because I won't have it any other way
If in that place you find happiness, then I am all for it
If in that place you find security and comfort, then I am all for it
If in that place you find a man that I couldn't be, then I am all for it

But I am not ashame to admit
I lost a good one.

At times in life we rush to make decisions. Some of them are appropriate and required but then there are others that aren't. At times we allow the hurts of our past and our insecurities, disrupt what could potentially be good for us...all in the name of fear. God has not given us a heart of fear...At times, it's worth taking the risk...for with great risk, come great rewards.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Will be back shortly!

I realize I have been gone for a couple of weeks now. I must say though I have a couple of things to write about, just getting myself in the mood to write has been difficult. Anyway, I'll take a couple of days off...I am flying out today and will definitely be back to my old self when I return. Until then, please enjoy these videos

Monday, April 07, 2008

Incredible God, Incredible Praise!

First off, I want to thank everyone for their kind words on here. I want to thank those friends that also made an effort to reach me, the instant messages, calls and emails. Words cannot express how grateful I am.

This has been an interesting and challenging period for me. For the most part, by the grace and mercy of God, I have remained strong but I must confess there have been times I've felt that strength quietly wanning. While speaking to a friend during the week, it dawned on me that I was gradually giving in to those fears I speak against. I started recounting the number of people I've lost within the past three years, started recounting the number of decisions I've made that didn't seem right, I started recounting the things I had taken for granted. Strangely, I started finding comfort within the bowels of self pity! I became scared of tomorrow.

Ahhh but at last I remembered...I remembered that my God has not given me a spirit of fear...neither has he called me to a life of self pity. I remembered that He that is in me is greater than He that is in the world and that for His word to come to past and for me to have a testimony, I have to be put through the fire....refiners fire.

Yesterday, I walked into church and rededicated my life. The message was so on point! It spoke to me... If God has given you His word, assuredly I saw unto you...though the days may seem to fly by like the speed of light, His word will surely come to past. I have come to accept that the life I have been called to live is by no means ordinary...I am reminded that I have been "Sent". I have been called to a higher place and regardless of the distractions and roadblocks the devil tries to put before me, I'll soar like an eagle. The Lord has made my feet like the feet of the deer! The Lord is my shield and my buckler of whom shall I fear? of what shall I be afraid of?
As the devil sought to remind me of all the wrongs I have done and the decisions I have made...as he tries to constantly remind me of my imperfections and my sins, I am reminded by God that He loves me in spite of and because of all my frailties.

I speak life into the lives of everyone reading this and going through one thing or the other. I say the Lord has called you to a higher purpose and He will not depart from you until you fulfill that which He has called you for. Regardless of what you might be going through, just hold on and be strong...I realize how difficult it might be but just hold on for a while longer for your victory is around the corner...Remember that He knows your name, He knows your every thought, He sees you when you fall and hears you when you call. Hallelujah!!!

I haven't forgotten my promise to write on "how to deal with an ugly break up"...I'll put that up soon. In the meantime, enjoy this song that has really ministered to me through this time... I pray it blesses you the way it's blessed me. Sorry about the video quality..I couldn't find a better one.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

I Knew!

I knew something had happened when my phone rang so early in the morning. I knew! I knew it couldn't be good when after ignoring the initial call, it rang again and again. I knew! As I reached for the phone, I hoped it was a caller who had mistakenly dialed my number. But I knew!

I knew because the last time we spoke, I sensed you were hiding something from me. As you demanded we express the way we feel regardless of the hurt one might feel knowing how the other party feels, at the back of my mind, I knew. I knew this demand wasn't ordinary as this was something we had discussed time without number but this time I sensed an urgency in your voice. I knew when you said good-bye rather than talk to you later like you normally say, I knew! Something within me told me it would be the last time I'd hear from you. Something within me told me I'd probably never see you again but would probably hear of you. You were my best kept secret. How I wish that rather than trying to sow doubts in the way you felt about me, I had embraced it...even if that period of time was this short. I realize this situation makes it rather unacceptable to be mad at you but I am mad at you! You knew the last time we spoke and didn't feel the need to share...forget unwanted pity, forget sympathetic reciprocal of love, forget all that...I still deserved to know!

So I finally picked up and the gentleman tells me I'll never see your face again...I'll never see your smile again...I'll never feel the pat on my head that was clearly your trademark. He tells me you suffered no pain...He tells me how as the days drew near, you spoke to him about me. He tells me how much love he saw in your face despite the battle you faced. He tells me till the end you were strong...He tells me you left me a note:
My xxxx,
I feel the wind of my time
As it blows each night before I sleep, I pray I'll awake one last time to your voice
Today I write this because the wind has become heavier and I can't guarantee tomorrow
Tomorrow. How I could have sworn if I held on I'd spend it with you.
I leave content that I was able to share with you my most intimate thoughts
I leave content that the last I remember of you was the smile you brought upon my face
I leave knowing that even though I didn't get my desire, I got something worth more.
My dear, it's time you opened your heart to the world to see the true person you are. Yesterday is gone. Embrace today and prepare for tomorrow.
Your constant attempt at portraying a hard, unlovable, complex man is a smoke screen that many can easily pierce through.
Love and be willing to be hurt for I have loved you and I have experienced hurt. I may not have been what you desire but learn to give people a chance before you make that call.
Make friends and be friendly, for even the great men you strive to be are great because of the friends they have. Their stories are told because of the friends they have.
I know you will hit the roof when you hear of my passing but I am sure you will remember what I told you the last time we spoke. "Even in absence, love never ceases".
I know you were never big on good byes but hopefully now you'll understand why my good bye was appropriate.
This moment dictates I say goodbye.
Good bye xxxx