A New Page

OK so I know some of you have a ton of questions...is he really coming out of retirement? Will he stay this time or run away after a couple of posts? Well for the time being I am back and I plan to be more consistent with my posts. Having said that I've also decided to use this blog to address a couple of questions/messages I get in regards to relationships. For those of you who don't know how to contact me, feel free to reach me via email at spicymiguel@gmail.com

So today, I want to revive something I wrote at the start of the year. I've chosen to put it up now because I find that a number of discussions I've had of late surrounding relationships have to do with things I have addressed in this post. Please read, enjoy and as always, feel free to comment.

I figured I write about something that would renew the hope and vigor some of us so badly need. This post will focus mainly on the women as I've found that giving this advice to men is like forcing a horse to drink water...It won't happen! I sincerely believe that men only change when they come to that decision on their own. A man chooses to settle down when he is ready, he chooses to be faithful when he is ready...As sad as it may sound, the truth is, you can't prep a man to change. So today, I'll focus on how women can turn a new page in this coming year. If you follow and adopt my suggestions below, I can almost guarantee you better results this year in terms of seeking, building and staying in a relationship.

1. Queen

You are the best of your make, created by God. Unlike that stunning dress by Vera Wang or the nice pair of Manolos, there are no two people like you. No one can make or recreate anyone close to you. You are unique! You are the best version ever made. You are a queen and in this coming year, you should determine that you'll firstly, treat yourself as a queen and secondly not tolerate or permit anyone treating you less. We spend a lot of time allowing people judge us, we allow them dictate to us how we should think, clothes we should wear, who we should associate with, how we should feel and who to feel for and how we should behave (yes, yes, yes I am doing just that...I knoooow!!!)...Your worth isn't the value another places on you but rather the value you place on yourself. Don't believe the crap people say "all men are cheats", "there are no more gentlemen out there" etc. There is a man out there who will worship you, there is a man out there who might not have been trained to open doors for ladies or pull out chairs but will do it to keep you happy. There is also a man out there who won’t feel the need to cheat on you. I am sure they exist because I can boast of a couple.
So in this new year, if your man or toaster isn't wooing you the way a man should woo a lady or treating you the way a queen should be treated, demand for it. Ask that he opens your door; ask that he pulls out your chair.


2. Core principles

To sincerely have someone treat you as the queen stated above, you need to know who you are and be convinced that you deserve to be treated that way. Tons of women are settling. They are settling because someone, somewhere has told them in order to find a man, they need to. I agree in some cases we need to compromise...ever walked into a house you are looking to buy or rent, notice how they never seem to have all you desire...they probably have a nice kitchen but the layout of the bathroom isn't so great. You need to sit back and figure out what really matters to you in a relationship. Write them down! What are those things you are willing to compromise on...not what society has asked you to accept but rather that which you are willing to swallow because what is good for the goose isn't always good for the gander. I recently had cause to speak to a lady who is in her late 20s...the conversation got to the question of virginity and holding out and she told me how at her age it was no longer fashionable to be a virgin, no longer fashionable to hold out...fashionable??? Her fear was it would either drive a guy away or encourage him to cheat. My response was RUBBISH!!! A guy will cheat on you if he wants to cheat on you regardless! What restrains a guy from cheating on you is respect, self control and the fear of God. A man that truly desires to be with you would respect your stance. When you realize what your core principles are, who you are as a person, those things you can stand and those you can't stand in a relationship or qualities you want in a guy, it makes it a lot easier sifting through the pile of dung our society is filled with these days. Having said that, it’s important to state here also that if the qualities you seek in a man are looks, build, wealth and social status ahead of integrity, character & upbringing, what you get would probably not bring you happiness.

3. Get to know ME

I find that a lot of ladies claim to know themselves well but when you speak with them for a few minutes, you come away knowing clearly they have no clue who they really are or what it is they desire. They go whichever way the wind blows. Men are born to be warriors, they are chief strategists when it comes to hunting (I refuse to say woo because for most it’s not their intention) the ladies. The only way you can sift to find a man right for you, is by taking the time to know YOURSELF! I struggle with women, who find it hard to be a lone or feel the need to always surround themselves with toasters. Not every man that asks for your number DESERVES your number! Spend some time alone, enjoy your own company, discover yourself, what drives you and what interests you. That way when a joker comes along, you are able to spot him within the shortest amount of time.

I had cause to introduce a friend I had known for about 18 years to a woman I was considering. For some weeks I had struggled internally with my choice. I couldn’t place a finger as to why. Now after their first meeting, my friend felt she was a nice lady but figured it would take spending some more time with her to realize the cause of my concerns. So the next opportunity I had, I invited him over and left both of them to talk. After a few minutes, I returned to join the conversation. Immediately I heard what the conversation was about, it became apparent to me what my issues were with the lady. I sought my friend’s view and he said something that made me laugh on one hand, but hit me on the other. He said he has always known me to like ‘kati-kati’ girls…I’ll try defining ‘kati-kati’- all artificial, no substance. Not that the ladies have been dull…nooo but they lacked certain qualities important to relate with someone with a background such as mine. I must say, when I took some time to weigh what he had said, I found that I’ve only truly had one relationship that I felt fulfilled in.

4. Time is not yours

Some ladies meet a guy today and before the guy says two words they’ve already thought about how the wedding is going to be, what type of baby pram they are going to buy. If you are one of these ladies…you know yourselves!!! Check yourself! Learn to control that flesh called your heart. I hear ladies say “but I couldn’t help it” OH YES YOU CAN! It’s called self control. No doubt the man might check all the boxes you desire in a partner but never neglect the time of discovery. It reveals a lot and if you have been careful enough to observe and make some notes, it will spare you some serious heartbreak down the road.

I constantly disagree with married women or men who complain about certain attitudes or practices they see in their spouses post-wedding/ post-start of a relationship. They claim these attitudes were generated post-wedding/ post-start of a relationship… In the words of Zebrudaya, fa fa fa foul! These signs have always been there, you failed to take advantage of the discovery period. You allowed your emotions go on overdrive, that day he playfully pushed you and you almost fell wasn’t a joke but a sign…that day she pulled your ears and it hurt wasn’t out of affection but a sign. We all display certain signs that speak to who we are. How many of you watch the TV series LIE TO ME? You should!

I realize there is so much pressure in our society for ladies to get married but I ask that you consider the points I’ve made above. You deserve to be happy with whomever you’ve chosen to give your heart to and it can be difficult to weed through, decode the game guys play but I sincerely believe if you forget the societal, cultural and peer pressure and understand that time is in the hands of God and determine to wait for the right person, you will live a truly fulfilling life. Yesterday I heard about a couple of women in their 40s who gave birth to their first kids. With God, nothing is ever late…it is always right on time.

I am tired of women living below their full potential. Some women limit their aspirations for fear that most men will be too scared to approach them. I say if a man is scared to approach you because you are successful or have done well for yourself, that isn’t the man for you. Do you want to live a life of mediocrity? Be all you can be, buy that car, live in that house, take that job…The right man won’t be threatened by your success but will provide you a spring board to reach greater heights.

5. Better late than wrong

I am determined above all else to have a successful marriage with God fearing, well brought up, disciplined and content kids. I can tell you without a doubt NOTHING compares with having a loving marriage…I attained a certain level of success in my life but I constantly feel empty when I look at the marriage of one particular friend. The love they display is second to none and before you think it is a mirror, I lived with this couple for about a year. You can only pretend for so long. After my experience with this couple, I decided that regardless of how long it was going to take, I was going to wait on God to provide me with the woman He has created for me. Yes I am increasing in age, Yes folks are wondering what if anything is wrong with me and why I’m not settled, my mother is calling practically every week for an update…I refuse to be moved! I know myself and I know what I desire…I am not looking for a perfect woman, since the last I checked I am not perfect but I am looking for a woman I would wake up every day delighted to make happy. I am looking for a woman, who would make a great mother…I am looking for my God appointed and anointed wife. Time means nothing to me. I’d rather be late to marry, than sorry I did.