Andrew no check out ooo!!!

So I've been gone like forever and only a hand full of people have asked after me...What rubbish!!! Where is the love that we share...What happened to for better or for worse...I thought this was a marriage...I the writer and you the readers vow never to separate but to support each other through thick and thin. Oh well at least now I know not to feel bad and not to rush to post to keep you guys entertained.

So as some of you know, have heard or have seen (which ever be the the case), I've relocated to Nigeria. Yes my motherland...if America be the land of milk and honey, Nigeria is the land of dreams and dreamers. I mean there is no other country in the world, where you go to sleep with 1,000 Naira (local currency) and wake up the next day with over 100 Million Naira. Anyway prior to this visit, my last trip to Nigeria was about 15 years as such you know the remainder of this post is going to be filled with certain things some of you (frequent travelers or Nigerian residents) may find as commonplace but those of us that have been gone for a while will have a good laugh at.

So prior to landing in Nigeria, the company had made hotel and transportation arrangements for me. I was told I'd be staying in a first-class hotel (I should have known there was something amiss when they used first class rather than 5-star to describe the hotel). I'll skip the ride from the airport to the "hotel" because nothing interesting really happened...just the usual shock that welcomes one who has been away for a while. So rather than going into a long spill about what I have experienced so far, I thought it would be more interesting if I list the really interesting ones and in my future post, I'll go into more detail.

1. Ordered white rice, stew and friend chicken from the hotel...Dude brought me boiled chicken, I stated I wanted chicken friend...dude took the food back and brought me burnt chicken..I mean visibly burnt.

2. One of my helps looks at me one morning and goes "Oga it looks like you've machinated"...I go "what did you say?", He replies" Oga you've lost weight".

3. I turn on the generator and everything in the house blows up...TV, Fan etc

4. Stuck in traffic, two okada drivers clash...the guilty party (short dude) , immediately gets up from the ground, sends the innocent party (much taller dude) two quick blows...all of a sudden the innocent party looks guilty. What confused me the most was why he would allow such a short guy bully him that way but my driver said "oga for dis country you no sabi wetin persin dey carry oo...if short man wake up hit big man, big man get to hold back..cause short man fit get backup for pocket"...lol

5. Heading home after a busy day in the office, as we enter into the street where I am currently residing, the Nepa cable above us starts to spark, cuts from the main line and dangles right in front of us...Every house on the street still had light but mine.

6. Remember my TV that blew up? So I get an electrician to look at it..after charging me money, thing still doesn't work...So we call another...finally get to the fourth electrician, he claims to be a "Master" electrician...at this point I am certain he is going to have it sorted out...By the time dude finished with the TV, I had to pay a normal electrician more money to actually make it work.

7. Electrician who had been sent to find parts for the TV, returns and says "Oga We couldn't find the original but we found the equivalent". Okay so how much is the "equivalent?"...Oga the equivalent is more expensive than the original...I couldn't help but laugh...I doubt dude knew the meaning of equivalent because as I grilled him more, he gave in...lol

8. Walk into a restaurant, order some food...told the waitress to tell the chef to add very little pepper in my food...she goes "I got you!" I remind her a second time and she says the same thing "I said I got you!"...Let's just say for two straight days, I had an intimate relationship with restrooms in the office and at home... I can design a restroom in my sleep now.

9. So I have a security guard...dude goes to bed before I go to bed...he sleeps through the day...So I bought touch light and I've been guarding him...He is paid to watch over me but the roles are now reversed.

10. Walk into a dance spot to celebrate a mates bachelor eve...Standing there, a girl walks up to me and grabs my hand (at this point I am thinking to myself....I must be looking real fly)...Next thing I know she starts gyrating in front of me...At this point we figure she's a "lady of the night"...I guess as she's shocked at her inability to arouse me...she turns and goes "Are you angry?" ...I am like why? She goes "Cause you no dey stand"...Forgive the crudeness of this incident but I couldn't help but share...wayyy too funny.

11. In a meeting, talking about diverse things, I notice one guy seems knowledgeable in every area...So I ask him what he does for a living ...dude goes "Everything!".

I'll leave you guys with those for now...It's been fun though...I can't wait to see what today holds...Someone should do "Nigeria's funniest video" it will be a huge hit.

Trust you guys are cool. I heard something interesting and powerful recently. The devil isn't after your money, your health or other material things...think about it...the devil doesn't need money in order to carry out his evil plots/schemes...The devil wants to attack your FAITH...He knows if he can successfully attack your faith in God, he's got you right where he wants you. I'll expand on this one of these days...So When you face trials and tribulation or experience losses that you can't explain, remember what I've said and keep on trusting in God.


PS: If you notice a high amount of mistakes or grammatical errors, please bear with me... I am in Nigeria and every minute I spend making corrections, is time I would have spent charging for them....I love this town!