I Knew!

I knew something had happened when my phone rang so early in the morning. I knew! I knew it couldn't be good when after ignoring the initial call, it rang again and again. I knew! As I reached for the phone, I hoped it was a caller who had mistakenly dialed my number. But I knew!

I knew because the last time we spoke, I sensed you were hiding something from me. As you demanded we express the way we feel regardless of the hurt one might feel knowing how the other party feels, at the back of my mind, I knew. I knew this demand wasn't ordinary as this was something we had discussed time without number but this time I sensed an urgency in your voice. I knew when you said good-bye rather than talk to you later like you normally say, I knew! Something within me told me it would be the last time I'd hear from you. Something within me told me I'd probably never see you again but would probably hear of you. You were my best kept secret. How I wish that rather than trying to sow doubts in the way you felt about me, I had embraced it...even if that period of time was this short. I realize this situation makes it rather unacceptable to be mad at you but I am mad at you! You knew the last time we spoke and didn't feel the need to share...forget unwanted pity, forget sympathetic reciprocal of love, forget all that...I still deserved to know!

So I finally picked up and the gentleman tells me I'll never see your face again...I'll never see your smile again...I'll never feel the pat on my head that was clearly your trademark. He tells me you suffered no pain...He tells me how as the days drew near, you spoke to him about me. He tells me how much love he saw in your face despite the battle you faced. He tells me till the end you were strong...He tells me you left me a note:
My xxxx,
I feel the wind of my time
As it blows each night before I sleep, I pray I'll awake one last time to your voice
Today I write this because the wind has become heavier and I can't guarantee tomorrow
Tomorrow. How I could have sworn if I held on I'd spend it with you.
I leave content that I was able to share with you my most intimate thoughts
I leave content that the last I remember of you was the smile you brought upon my face
I leave knowing that even though I didn't get my desire, I got something worth more.
My dear, it's time you opened your heart to the world to see the true person you are. Yesterday is gone. Embrace today and prepare for tomorrow.
Your constant attempt at portraying a hard, unlovable, complex man is a smoke screen that many can easily pierce through.
Love and be willing to be hurt for I have loved you and I have experienced hurt. I may not have been what you desire but learn to give people a chance before you make that call.
Make friends and be friendly, for even the great men you strive to be are great because of the friends they have. Their stories are told because of the friends they have.
I know you will hit the roof when you hear of my passing but I am sure you will remember what I told you the last time we spoke. "Even in absence, love never ceases".
I know you were never big on good byes but hopefully now you'll understand why my good bye was appropriate.
This moment dictates I say goodbye.
Good bye xxxx