Self -Worth

Growing up, I was told if you don't know your worth, you can't complain if you are treated like garbage. Also learnt quite early that the value you place on yourself would determine to a great degree, how successful and fulfilled you are in life. Over the years, I have held on to these words and in everything I do, I have made a conscious effort to ensure that I am not selling myself short. So what has sparked this post? Well lets say its a mix of something I recently experienced and a couple of comments I found rather interesting in one of the popular Nigerian forums online.

In order to get a clear definition of self-worth, it's important to understand it practically means the same thing as self-esteem. Now that I've put that out there, I found a befitting definition from Wikipedia. Self-worth/Self-esteem reflects a person's overall self-appraisal of their own worth.
One of the many things I am grateful to my mother for is the fact that as a kid, she instilled certain values within me...She made me realize that despite my environment and our condition, I wasn't to view myself as being less than the fortunate kids (Silver spoon kids)...As such as I grew and found myself in an environment other than what I was raised in, it helped build my character, consciously reminding me that the fact that I wasn't wealthy didn't mean I was less than the kids who were. As the years have come and gone, I have noticed a troubling trend in our society...I have noticed people willing to accept abuse, willing to be treated like dirt, yet walking around whining about how unfair life is. In this post, I'll touch on two areas that I am really passionate about. The two areas are Relationships & Careers...Don't get me wrong there are about five or six different areas I could touch on but I truly think these two deserve my attention.

Relationships
What is the common reason folks get into relationships? Off the top of my head, the basic reasons that come to mind are companionship & desire to grow. I believe these two categories, encapsulate other reasons you might come up with. The desire to be in a relationship shouldn't be seen as reasons to be treated like dirt. When I hear of people in unhealthy relationships and their desire to remain in them, it really gets to me...Why? Because I truly believe each individual has a right to be treated well and a right to be happy. So if you find yourself in the following categories, it's time you ask yourself what you are truly worth. Stand in front of a mirror and seriously utter that question "What am I worth?".
A) Abusive Relationships
Abuse is characterized by physical or psychological maltreatment (courtesy of Wordnet). It's unbelievable the number of times I hear people or read about people (most times women) in abusive relationships. I've never been able to understand how a woman who is physically abused can open their mouth to say they are abused because the guy loves them. A guy that lays his hands on you DOESN'T love you. The bible says love thy neighbor as thy self. Other than a person mentally unbalanced, do you think the man/woman that hits you, would intentionally harm themselves? I've heard some mothers tell their daughters to accept it, that it's normal...I know some single ladies whom when they've reached a certain age and finally find a man are scared to leave for fear they might not find someone else to marry them...The only reason you'd stay in that type situation is because you have a low self-esteem. I'd rather remain single for the rest of my life than have a woman put her hands on me in ways that would harm me. Aren't you aware that as you permit your partner to abuse you (Yes! you permit it when you remain in such a relationship), you are damaging yourself and possibly (if married) the lives of your kids? Regardless of what anyone says, when kids in abusive homes grow up, they are more likely to be abusive towards their partners because that is what they've witnessed growing up as such it subconsciously becomes a part of them.
B) Booty call
Yes I am back with my issue with booty calls. If you find yourself in this situation, you have little or no self-worth. Think about it for a minute before you attack me. If a guy/girl feels you are only worth those midnight calls to satisfy their 10 minute urge (it's hardly longer...lol) and you show up in his/her house under the guise of the dark, how can you tell me you know your worth? You deserve a lot more! Most times, one person in a booty call relationship (if you can call it that), has someone they are dating or in a serious relationship with. Think about it...They take this person with them to functions, wine and dine this person, buy them cute gifts, tell them sweet nothings, are concerned about their welfare...but each time you hear from him/her, most times pretty late at night and you show up, he/she ushers you into the bedroom..you've never been introduced to friends, taken to functions...Nada! Have you no shame? where is the pride in yourself? Don't you think you deserve better? Yeah the sex might be good but trust me sex is meant to be fulfilling not just good...Worse thing is, while you think no one else knows, he/she has actually told friends about you...Yes! the friends know you as the booty call...So imagine if a great guy/lady comes along, who fancies you and happens to know a friend of your booty call...can you imagine what that friend would have to say about you? "Ahhh that babe ..na one of my guy dey cane am or na my guy chop throway" (My apologies to my readers that don't understand pidgin English) I keep saying this...every man/woman wants to marry a freak but definitely not one that has been validated by the public. Enough Said!
C) Infidelity
The other day I was talking to a friend of mine and he was gisting me about a mutual friend, whose girl knows he's cheating on her but refuses to act. She's caught him on a couple of occasions but claims he is sowing his wild oat and will definitely settle down with her and curb the behavior. I couldn't help but laugh out loud...Women please listen! let me share something with you...There is a man out there that would be willing to give his life to make you happy...Trust me I am a man (at least the last time I checked) and I know these things. You shouldn't allow a man cheat on you...You should be able to look at yourself and tell yourself you deserve better. If you choose to sit around and be treated like garbage, tell me what do you hope to pass on to your kids? I find it sad how women react when their friends come to them with news that their partner is cheating on them...Why kill the messenger that cherishes you to save the devil that seeks to harm you? it's never made sense to me. Some women have actually chosen to accept the lie that a man would cheat regardless as such it makes no difference. The more time you spend with these woman you find out how low they value themselves. Some put up the front of having it all good, knowing all and being intolerant of rubbish but under all that facade, you find a woman with such low self worth, it amazes me. My dear if no one has ever told you, let me be the first..you are fearfully and wonderfully made...you are the crown of any man that would have the honor of being with you...you are a priceless gem that cannot be substituted because though there exists imitations, you can't be duplicated! I recently watched the movie "Why did I get married" by Tyler Perry and I remember Malik Yoba mentioning the 80/20 rule...My dear you should be the 80 in the life of any man...never allow anyone treat you like the 20. The 20 are those women with no morals, who have no sense of worth.
D) Support, encouragement etc
I made this category particularly for those dating. It's important you pay attention to this before you commit to marrying anyone. If the person you are with doesn't support or encourage you, your ideas, goals and ambition but seeks to put you down, this is a good time to walk to that mirror and ask yourself "what am I worth?". Don't be fooled...if your partner fails to support, encourage your ideas, goals, ambition and things that matter to you now, he/she won't change when you get married. I wish folks would take the time to read "The purpose driven life" & "Choosing God's best"...The purpose of life and a relationship is to live to your full potential... any relationship offering less than the support and encouragement needed to fulfill this isn't worth your time. Sometime ago, a friend was gisting me about her man and her desire to attend B-School...When she was done telling me how much of an encouragement he's been through the process, despite the fact I hadn't met her man, I couldn't help but give him my respect. I just pray that women would come to understand that if you find yourself with a man that is scared of your ambition/desires, he isn't the one that would help you reach your full potential as such he isn't the one created for you. Quit settling for less than what God has purposed for you!

Finally I'll touch briefly on careers and ambition. As kids we all had great dreams of what we wanted to be when we grew up. No doubt some dreams were unrealistic... I wanted to be about five things at once...lol...Chief Judge of the Hague, the best soccer player in the world, a top banker, the president of Nigeria and a movie star...Lol...Oh well! I still plan on being one of the five...Ok I digress...Anyway, I realize that at times we make plans but life throws us curve balls that cause those plans to change...at times as we grow older we find that the desires we had as kids aren't what we truly want to do...whatever the case, I've found so many people who set out to be one thing but choose to settle for whatever reason. Rather than action, they are filled with excuses. You hear things like fear of exams, you hear things like discrimination, it's always one obstacle or another. They tend to look for every negative reason why they shouldn't live up to their full potential. A person that knows their worth, sees the opportunities not the obstacles. I am reminded of the story of the 12 spies sent out to spy the promised land...I remember 10 came back with negative reports, while two who saw those obstacles also saw great opportunities. Friends, your ability to succeed is based on what you see...Some people are too scared to try because they've spent so much time dwelling on their limitations rather than their strength...they'd rather live a life of mediocrity that requires little or no effort than the life they've been called to live...they'd rather follow the flock rather than be the trailblazers they've been called to be...What does this have to do with self-worth/self-esteem? A lot! What you see in yourself is what you portray. A man that realizes he can be great and desires to be great, realizes the effort that needs to be put in and the challenges that need to be faced in order to reach their goal...they don't sit down counting the obstacles but rather salivate over the possibilities. It's amazing the number of people I have met with good ideas, educational qualifications e.t.c but who have chosen to take up some menial job. I have no issue if in order to pay your bills you use those jobs as stepping stone to achieve your goals but when you become comfortable and start to appreciate your recent promotion from Janitor Asst. to Senior Janitor, when you have the ability, tools, resources & qualifications to be an office manager, you need to walk up to that mirror and ask yourself the question "What am I worth?". I realize in order to reach a certain goal, you must pass through certain paths...well pass through don't take a seat and make yourself comfortable. I remember a story of a man who had just lost his good paying job but in order to take care of his family had to take up a menial job...After about a year in the job, his boss was amazed to see that the man hadn't personalized his cubicle...no pictures, no calendar..Nothing! the cubicle was exactly the way he found it on day one...Later after leaving the firm and securing another corporate job, when asked why he didn't personalize his office, dude answered saying he knew he was just "passing through". If it's a business you want to start, quit listening to the naysayers who can quote you the number of failed start-ups...Ask those same naysayers if they know the number of successful start-ups and you'll be shocked to see the blank look on their faces. You were born to be successful and you are the only one that can limit yourself.

I realize I have rambled a lot in this post but I hope I have made my point. My friends, you are worth more than the price any man or woman can put on you...You are worth more than the challenges you face or the situations that present themselves daily in our lives. Let no one treat you less than you deserve...Let no one talk you down or have you believe your goals are too lofty... for out of lofty goals came great accomplishments. I believe in each person, there is or are innate gifts we've been blessed with...these gifts are tools for our success... No one should build you and no one should complete you... How complete you are is determined by the value you place on yourself. I realize some people have the misconception that if you know your worth, you are arrogant or filled with pride...I refuse to agree...Knowing your worth ensures people don't trample over you, take you for granted and gives you focus. Think about it...When you know your worth you don't fall for every rubbish that comes your way... When you know your worth a man/woman cannot intimidate you or harm you physically or mentally... When you know your worth, you are able to easily identify what it is you want and you know it when you see it!