Due Diligence!

I was going to put up a different post but decided against it for reasons I'll gloss over before concluding this post.
I remember taking an interesting class in school called Due Diligence for Mergers and Acquisitions. Prior to any merger or acquisition, the management of an organization must perform the necessary due diligence. The purpose of this due diligence exercise is to determine that the information about the company to be acquired is correct, accurate, and properly disclosed. During this process, the parties need to determine that all critical issues have been identified and that key assumptions used in the investment proposal are accurate. I remember the professor also adding that it behooves any sensible person looking to have a long-term/meaningful relationship to equally carry out due diligence on their prospective spouse (boyfriends and girlfriends inclusive). The thinking is, if you carry out proper due diligence, it reduces your exposure (risk).

This post was inspired by a conversation I had with one of my lady friends last night. I must say her call was what I needed...conversation started with catching up on things and then delved into a situation she found herself in. So the gist is, she's been seeing some dude for about three months and only recently discovered, dude has a child and has been married before. Previously, I'd go duhhhhh...confront the dude, decide if you can handle your latest discovery or move on but I've learnt that the issues of life aren't always that cut and dry. Anyway, I gave her my two cents and we got off the phone. Hanging with another buddy later on, my thoughts kept drifting back to that conversation. So it just made sense I share my thoughts..not particularly on her issue but just the issue of due diligence before a relationship.

You decide
Let no one decide for you what is important to know or ask when deciding to get into a relationship. Like our elders say "it is he who wears the shoe that knows how much it hurts". It's important that you are comfortable with how much you know of a person before committing to a relationship. Don't for one second have the other party tell you what you can ask and what you can't...it's your responsibility and that of the other party to make sure you are both comfortable about the step you are about to take. You'll find that some relationships (e.g. booty calls, no strings attached-type relationships) are void of this. Why? Because the people going into the relationship see it as a temporal thing...at least one party knows what he/she wants as such the need to get to know the person in-depth is pointless. Haven't you been around people who talk about meaningless sex? Ask them how much they know about their partners and you'll be shocked at how little they care to know.

Have a list of questions
You should always have a standard list of questions to ask any prospective girlfriend/boyfriend.
The older you get and as your priorities and concerns change, they should be reflected in your questions. The bad experiences that you've had in the past or have heard of from others should also be included in the questions you ask (depending on how important they are to you). I'll say as I interact with more people, and I get to listen to them share their experiences, I have been able to modify my questions. Don't get me wrong you can never fully know a person but this is a great starting point. I hear some asking "What if he/she lies to you?" I have an answer for that Your gut feeling (read below). Having a list of questions that would hopefully be answered could teach you a thing or two in terms of how to relate with that person or handle situations concerning that person.

Compromise
Have an idea about the things you'd be willing to compromise on and those things that you'll never compromise on. Don't ignore things you like or that mean much to you in a relationship for the simple fact you are desperate to get into a relationship 'cause like I've found out, you'd only end up with regrets or disappointed. If romance is huge for you, it's not wise then getting into a relationship with someone who isn't romantic or willing to be.

The past
If you plan to be with someone, it's important you know about their past. There are a thousand and one questions you could possibly ask about a person's past. Trust me, if you can't handle a person's past there is really no use getting into that relationship. When you know about a person's past and are able to accept their past, it's easy to deal with the rumor mill that will surely be put to work in order to destroy that relationship. I am weary about people who are scared to or adamantly refuse to discuss their past...it's a clear sign they are hiding something. We all have one or two (in some cases more) skeletons in our cupboards but the last thing you need is for your past to come back and haunt you when you least expect it. I know marriages that have ended because one spouse failed to divulge pertinent information about their past. My lady friend is an example..if only dude had told her he had a kid from a previous marriage, it would have saved them the drama they are currently dealing with. Barack Obama knew he was going to run for office at some point and he decided before people go searching for dirt on him, he might as well put it out there. In his book "The Audacity of Hope", he reveals certain things about his past that could potentially return to bite him if people discovered it on their own. Today, you hardly hear his opponents use those things in attacking him and those who do, have failed woefully. If you are scared that someone could use your past against you then clearly you should find comfort in the fact that without a doubt, that person loves you not and you should probably not be with that person. The fear of that shouldn't be a reason not to open up.

The present
You also want to ask questions about the present. There are some people who are just out there looking to catch some fun...there is nothing wrong with this...they aren't interested in having anything serious...While some of us are looking for something serious...you need to understand where in life's cycle they are...if you are looking for something serious, it makes absolutely no sense wasting your time with someone that is looking to catch some fun...why? Cause your priorities will definitely be different...potentially how they perceive the relationship should go, would differ greatly from your perspective.

The Future
Realize what is important to you and where you desire to be in the future; Match that against what the other party brings or could potentially bring to the table. Understand and ask to know where they see themselves in the future, match that against what they've done and are currently doing and you'll have a clear picture of whom you are dealing with. The information obtained could now be used to make an informed decision on whether it's worth getting into a relationship with the person, what you need to prepare for and work towards.

Your gut feeling
Listen to your gut. If your gut keeps stirring, then more than likely there is more to the person than meets the eye. I tend to pray a lot when I meet a person...most times when I ask questions and get half-answers, my Spirit stirs within me, clearly signaling there are things I don't know about the person which the person may be keeping away from me intentionally. Every single time I have listened to my Spirit and dug deeper, I've either found out there are things the other party is hiding from me or questions I've failed to ask that need answering. Most people ignore their gut feeling until things go bust and then you hear them say "something inside of me wasn't comfortable with him/her when we first started talking..I should have paid attention".

News update: Myself and the MISS have gone our separate ways. I was going to address that in my initial post but out of whatever respect I have for her, I decided it was best I don't go into details. Two wrongs never make a right and I am learning more than ever to repay wickedness with kindness. In this past month, I've learnt that you could desire the best for a person but so long as that person has no such desire for themselves you'd be wasting your time even trying. Some people have chosen certain paths to travel and its best you let them suffer the consequences or experience as a result of the choice they've made. Like they say experience is the best teacher.

To the lady that sent me an email. Thanks for reading my blog and I am glad it has helped you in one way or another but I am not perfect...one of these days, I'll write about the mistakes I've made. It's a combination of these mistakes and lessons learnt, that have helped in shaping my thoughts. To others out there that may have questions or may want me to touch on a topic, feel free to drop me a line at Spicymiguel@gmail.com.

So Valentine's day is in a couple of days...what do you all have lined up? My "Casablanca" ritual won't be happening this year...I am thinking I'll travel out for the weekend (probably go skiing, if I can find a cheap last-minute deal...any suggestions?)...If you've got no plans, give me a shout...we could sit in our various parts of the world, with a bowl of ice cream and tell sob stories...lol!!!
To all the love birds out there, here is wishing you a more fulfilled relationship. Cherish what you have understanding that there are many out there who wish they had someone to share a day like this with.