The Blame Game!!!
I realize I am delving into a controversial area but I truly think its time someone touched on it. So as promised, this is part II of my vent session from last week.
I am really sick and tired of people constantly blaming the other party for things they've created. The other day I read about a "perfect" person who for some strange reason has the misfortune of constantly dating guys that are no good. Every single relationship this person has been involved in has always ended due to the other party either lying, cheating etc. It's become so pathetic that almost 1 out of every 3 people that have just gotten out of a relationship blames the other party but sees no fault in themselves. After thinking long and hard, I've decided to group these people.
1. The Victim
These are the classic types...You talk to them about their past relationships and you notice a trend immediately. They've dated a number of men/women but amazingly every break up has been as a result of the other party acting up or doing something wrong. They always seem to have given it their "best" whatever that means! You get the impression they could never hurt a fly and if you are gullible, you immediately feel pity for them and probably never having a chance to meet the other party, you form an opinion of them and being the idle person that you are, you help perpetuate the lies you've been told by this "victim". Funny thing is out of pity, which could probably lead to you giving this person the light of day, you end up dating this person, only to find out this person isn't as innocent as he/she claims to be...Guess what! Too late your name has gone down in the books of no-goods and the same way you took sides without carrying out thorough check to ensure the stories are valid, is the same way your name will go around... I guess this is where Karma comes in ....LOL...
Stop being a "victim" you are not fooling anyone...With time the truth will be discovered either from someone else or through direct manifestation YOU! Admit you have a problem and hopefully the person whom you are attracted to sees true value in you and offers to work with you...Now if they don't, you don't need them!
2. Forever falling
Ahhhh if only life was a romantic movie after another, folks in this group will be stars. I mean I am always amazed at how fast people fall in and out of love; fall in and out of relationships. I mean you could blink one day and find out that your friend has broken up with someone they've "loved" for years and have all of a sudden fallen in love with a new person the next day. I mean have you heard of the phrase "time to heal"? common! How do you expect to enter a new relationship improved if you've failed to take stock of lessons learnt from the past relationship? It's amazing how time and time again, these people end up in the same situation in a different relationship..Guess what...Yup, you got it....They'll blame the other party...One thing they fail to realize is the fact that garbage from your past does not build a relationship but destroys it. Take some time out and get to know yourself and relieve the hurt...Admit your fault and work on it... You have no business taking your garbage into another relationship and when things fail to work out you immediately want to point a finger,.....Hey! The other four fingers are pointing at you! Men it's not everything that is in a skirt you should chase after...Women its not everything in pants either...Have a certain standard at least!
Guard your heart...Not everyone that looks good is good to date and not everyone that causes your hormones to rise is necessarily good for you. Heal, take your time to get to know you and some tme to get to know the new person...If you fear you might lose this person, let them go cause either way if you don't make the necessary adjustments, the relationship is doomed from the start.
3. Falling for Mr./Ms. Wrong
Give me a break! There is nothing like Mr./Ms. Wrong... They might just be wrong for you ...you would have known that if you spent time getting to know the person better rather than allowing the cockroaches (butterflies) rolling in your stomach! Guard your heart. If you find that you are always dating the worse kind of people, then may be you should check yourself...Try and understand what attracts them to you or what attracts you to them. Quit yapping...If you had guarded your heart the way you should and learnt about the person more, I truly doubt you'd find yourself in the situation you seem to always find yourself. You can't go out dressed like a prostitute and expect a man to treat you like a queen... You can't go into a relationship with trust issues and expect things to be all good... Most times you get treated the way you're perceived. If you dress like a street corner, flesh showing, backside glowing lady what do you think attracted the guy to you in the first place? Let me guess...Your intellect? Ha ha ha. Men! When you see such ladies and you clearly know it's lust, as hard as it is to ignore, I beg of you ignoreee ... Before you approach her, imagine where she's been and who she's been with and remember AIDS no dey show for face...Trust me that should put you off immediately.
4. It's a small world afterall!
So things did not work out between both of you...Regardless of what happened, move on...Your destiny is not tied to the survival or dissolution of a relationship. In the words of TD Jakes, some relationships are for a reason and a season. Recognize which you've just gotten out of...Quit going around and looking for a pity party to attend cause trust me your hosts will more than likely be the same people creating future pity parties for you. Be mindful of the things you say about your ex cause trust me as damaging as you think your gossip would be, isn't it funny that they still end up dating and marrying? Save your spit and work on you. We live and we learn! The world we live in is so small ...These things have a way of getting back to the other party... You don't help yourself any if the other party decides to tarnish your name in return. Guess what! Whether true or false, you now have another hurdle to climb when you meet a new person.
5. Insecurity
Yeah ... I bet some readers are nodding their head...We all have certain insecurities...It could be physical, emotional etc. I really want to touch on the emotional part of our insecurities. I sympathize with people that have been hurt in the past relationships for no fault of theirs .. Can I get a witness!....The problem I have with these people goes back to my comment on forever falling. When you come out of a relationship that ended badly, was as a result of one party cheating, abuse (physical or emotional)etc., it makes no sense and I mean NO SENSE jumping into another relationship immediately. Yeah I know its funny how when you've just gotten out of a relationship toasters come at you from all angles...Avoid getting into a relationship by all means... Find some YOU time ...Rebuild, refocus and reassure yourself of your person. A wounded soldier on the field of battle is called a casualty...They are taken to the base in order to heal and if their injuries weren't life threatening, after they've had time to assess if this is the same line of work they want to be involved in, they go back to the battle front at this point. My point is...When hurt, take some time to heal and assess damage and have a rehab plan. The crap I hear that the best way to get over a relationship is to getting into another or get into bed with another, is total crap! You are just setting a trap for yourself! All of a sudden it starts from that one person and then becomes a norm.
By no means is this list exhaustive but I truly feel its a great place to start from. You can't forever be a victim...Choose for once not to be a victim...Your stories might be compelling but trust me if you truly take time out to search yourself and look back on that relationship, you'll notice the part you played that led to the dissolution of your relationship. Could it be when you made your choice, could it be that day you saw them necking but they told you Shaggy (it wasn't me!)... I truly believe there are signs out there...It's funny but we choose to ignore these signs and when we reap what we've sown, we are eager to blame the other party.
I realize men cheat! But women cheat too.... It reminds me of an episode. The lady found out her man was cheating on her...Rather than ending the relationship, she came up with the craziest excuse " I cheated with his best friend in order to get back at him"... Funny thing is she's still cheating with the dudes best friend till date ...Now except me I am completely off my ruckers!, if you are trying to get back at a person and since its clear you have no self pride, so you feel its best to lay on your back to get back at a person, shouldn't the ultimate aim be for the person you are cheating on to find out?
Anyway on to other gists. My weekend was cool... I didnt get to travel as planned but had a swell time in-town. I caught the movie departed...nice flick! Haven't been to the movies in yonkers so I guess any movie would have been good in my books (naaa I truly enjoyed this movie). I attended an Indian bash on Saturday...my goodness...those folks know how to throw a party...man two straight hours of just dancing to Indian beats...lets just say it was an experience!
Went out with my Pastor and a few friends on Sunday...had a great time... It's sooo much fun when you have a Pastor that youself and friends can chill with, who builds you spiritually, without the need to constantly bash you with bible passages...this Pastor is reaaaaaaaaaal! I mean we were all together for 7 hours talking and revealing things. Anyway, to sm it all up, it was a weekend to cherish.
Hope y'all had a great weekend!
I am really sick and tired of people constantly blaming the other party for things they've created. The other day I read about a "perfect" person who for some strange reason has the misfortune of constantly dating guys that are no good. Every single relationship this person has been involved in has always ended due to the other party either lying, cheating etc. It's become so pathetic that almost 1 out of every 3 people that have just gotten out of a relationship blames the other party but sees no fault in themselves. After thinking long and hard, I've decided to group these people.
1. The Victim
These are the classic types...You talk to them about their past relationships and you notice a trend immediately. They've dated a number of men/women but amazingly every break up has been as a result of the other party acting up or doing something wrong. They always seem to have given it their "best" whatever that means! You get the impression they could never hurt a fly and if you are gullible, you immediately feel pity for them and probably never having a chance to meet the other party, you form an opinion of them and being the idle person that you are, you help perpetuate the lies you've been told by this "victim". Funny thing is out of pity, which could probably lead to you giving this person the light of day, you end up dating this person, only to find out this person isn't as innocent as he/she claims to be...Guess what! Too late your name has gone down in the books of no-goods and the same way you took sides without carrying out thorough check to ensure the stories are valid, is the same way your name will go around... I guess this is where Karma comes in ....LOL...
Stop being a "victim" you are not fooling anyone...With time the truth will be discovered either from someone else or through direct manifestation YOU! Admit you have a problem and hopefully the person whom you are attracted to sees true value in you and offers to work with you...Now if they don't, you don't need them!
2. Forever falling
Ahhhh if only life was a romantic movie after another, folks in this group will be stars. I mean I am always amazed at how fast people fall in and out of love; fall in and out of relationships. I mean you could blink one day and find out that your friend has broken up with someone they've "loved" for years and have all of a sudden fallen in love with a new person the next day. I mean have you heard of the phrase "time to heal"? common! How do you expect to enter a new relationship improved if you've failed to take stock of lessons learnt from the past relationship? It's amazing how time and time again, these people end up in the same situation in a different relationship..Guess what...Yup, you got it....They'll blame the other party...One thing they fail to realize is the fact that garbage from your past does not build a relationship but destroys it. Take some time out and get to know yourself and relieve the hurt...Admit your fault and work on it... You have no business taking your garbage into another relationship and when things fail to work out you immediately want to point a finger,.....Hey! The other four fingers are pointing at you! Men it's not everything that is in a skirt you should chase after...Women its not everything in pants either...Have a certain standard at least!
Guard your heart...Not everyone that looks good is good to date and not everyone that causes your hormones to rise is necessarily good for you. Heal, take your time to get to know you and some tme to get to know the new person...If you fear you might lose this person, let them go cause either way if you don't make the necessary adjustments, the relationship is doomed from the start.
3. Falling for Mr./Ms. Wrong
Give me a break! There is nothing like Mr./Ms. Wrong... They might just be wrong for you ...you would have known that if you spent time getting to know the person better rather than allowing the cockroaches (butterflies) rolling in your stomach! Guard your heart. If you find that you are always dating the worse kind of people, then may be you should check yourself...Try and understand what attracts them to you or what attracts you to them. Quit yapping...If you had guarded your heart the way you should and learnt about the person more, I truly doubt you'd find yourself in the situation you seem to always find yourself. You can't go out dressed like a prostitute and expect a man to treat you like a queen... You can't go into a relationship with trust issues and expect things to be all good... Most times you get treated the way you're perceived. If you dress like a street corner, flesh showing, backside glowing lady what do you think attracted the guy to you in the first place? Let me guess...Your intellect? Ha ha ha. Men! When you see such ladies and you clearly know it's lust, as hard as it is to ignore, I beg of you ignoreee ... Before you approach her, imagine where she's been and who she's been with and remember AIDS no dey show for face...Trust me that should put you off immediately.
4. It's a small world afterall!
So things did not work out between both of you...Regardless of what happened, move on...Your destiny is not tied to the survival or dissolution of a relationship. In the words of TD Jakes, some relationships are for a reason and a season. Recognize which you've just gotten out of...Quit going around and looking for a pity party to attend cause trust me your hosts will more than likely be the same people creating future pity parties for you. Be mindful of the things you say about your ex cause trust me as damaging as you think your gossip would be, isn't it funny that they still end up dating and marrying? Save your spit and work on you. We live and we learn! The world we live in is so small ...These things have a way of getting back to the other party... You don't help yourself any if the other party decides to tarnish your name in return. Guess what! Whether true or false, you now have another hurdle to climb when you meet a new person.
5. Insecurity
Yeah ... I bet some readers are nodding their head...We all have certain insecurities...It could be physical, emotional etc. I really want to touch on the emotional part of our insecurities. I sympathize with people that have been hurt in the past relationships for no fault of theirs .. Can I get a witness!....The problem I have with these people goes back to my comment on forever falling. When you come out of a relationship that ended badly, was as a result of one party cheating, abuse (physical or emotional)etc., it makes no sense and I mean NO SENSE jumping into another relationship immediately. Yeah I know its funny how when you've just gotten out of a relationship toasters come at you from all angles...Avoid getting into a relationship by all means... Find some YOU time ...Rebuild, refocus and reassure yourself of your person. A wounded soldier on the field of battle is called a casualty...They are taken to the base in order to heal and if their injuries weren't life threatening, after they've had time to assess if this is the same line of work they want to be involved in, they go back to the battle front at this point. My point is...When hurt, take some time to heal and assess damage and have a rehab plan. The crap I hear that the best way to get over a relationship is to getting into another or get into bed with another, is total crap! You are just setting a trap for yourself! All of a sudden it starts from that one person and then becomes a norm.
By no means is this list exhaustive but I truly feel its a great place to start from. You can't forever be a victim...Choose for once not to be a victim...Your stories might be compelling but trust me if you truly take time out to search yourself and look back on that relationship, you'll notice the part you played that led to the dissolution of your relationship. Could it be when you made your choice, could it be that day you saw them necking but they told you Shaggy (it wasn't me!)... I truly believe there are signs out there...It's funny but we choose to ignore these signs and when we reap what we've sown, we are eager to blame the other party.
I realize men cheat! But women cheat too.... It reminds me of an episode. The lady found out her man was cheating on her...Rather than ending the relationship, she came up with the craziest excuse " I cheated with his best friend in order to get back at him"... Funny thing is she's still cheating with the dudes best friend till date ...Now except me I am completely off my ruckers!, if you are trying to get back at a person and since its clear you have no self pride, so you feel its best to lay on your back to get back at a person, shouldn't the ultimate aim be for the person you are cheating on to find out?
Anyway on to other gists. My weekend was cool... I didnt get to travel as planned but had a swell time in-town. I caught the movie departed...nice flick! Haven't been to the movies in yonkers so I guess any movie would have been good in my books (naaa I truly enjoyed this movie). I attended an Indian bash on Saturday...my goodness...those folks know how to throw a party...man two straight hours of just dancing to Indian beats...lets just say it was an experience!
Went out with my Pastor and a few friends on Sunday...had a great time... It's sooo much fun when you have a Pastor that youself and friends can chill with, who builds you spiritually, without the need to constantly bash you with bible passages...this Pastor is reaaaaaaaaaal! I mean we were all together for 7 hours talking and revealing things. Anyway, to sm it all up, it was a weekend to cherish.
Hope y'all had a great weekend!
posted by Miguel @ 12:49 AM
15 Comments:
At 11:40 AM ,
The Life of a Stranger called me said...
Wow miguel - I find myself in one category or the other which you had listed - But we should also not blame ourselves too much - there should be a balance - cause too much blame could also lead to repeatative behaviour and mistakes -
But what if you took the time out to heal - you know like 4 years for e.g . but after reading all the self assesment books and you think that you are now ready to get back into the system of meeting Him - you find that you really havnt changed - you are still strong and difficult and the dude ends up having a begging ministry - This babe needs to go and read I corith 13 vs 4-11.LOL..
I too love my pastor - but the wife can talk - I just go and visit sometimes just to chat - about nothing and everything - I too Im amazed at what we end up chatting about -
At 12:34 PM ,
Funmi said...
Wow that was very revealing.
At 12:56 PM ,
Ms. May said...
Wise words. Especially after my first ever relationship, I took the time to really get to know myself, learn from the mistakes I made in the relationship because I realized that I fell really hard for this person and turned a blind eye to a lot of things that I shouldn't have...most importantly the fact that he was not religious or spiritual in any sense. I knew that because he didn't hide it, I just decided to go for it anyway and it came back to bite me in the ass! LOL. But that was MY mistake and not his. So point is, I definitely agree that no matter which category you fall into, it is so important to take the time for self reflection and really try to figure out what is important to you before you jump into the next deal. If not, you could potentially lose out on a great person because as much as you would like to be ready or think you are ready.........you won't be. On the flip side, you could also end up with the wrong person FOR YOU as well. Know Thyself.....not the only factor, but it's very important.
At 1:40 PM ,
Cherub (former Bijouxoxo) said...
Miguel has nailed it o. I really can't place myself in any category since, i've not had enough "experience." Don't ask! Anyways, the part that pisses me off, is when a disgruntled ex starts spreading stories. The fact that u even dated this "bad person" has a lot to say about the type of person u are and ur values. If people start realizing that, i think the stories would cease.
I attended an Indian party too on Saturday, they called it "Festival of lights- Diwali." There outfits are very colorful and blinging. I want an Indian outfit too. They use gold like it's going out of fashion. I saw this girl with a small stature that had this evry heavy gold necklace. I'm wondering how she didn't collapse under its weight.
BTW, for how long does one take to heal? I know u probably don't have an answer to that. Heck! I doubt if anybody does. But after u think u've taken stock of everything that went wrong in previous r/ships and u decide to hit the dating scene again, just for u to realize u're still the same old YOU! Do u just drop that new r/ship like a sack of hot potatoes or u reveal to the other party ur weakness? If u do that, there's danger (he'd run) and if u don't there's still danger, so there's no winning here.
At 1:47 PM ,
Cherub (former Bijouxoxo) said...
Wait a min! Where's my comment? Miguel, i know why u did this? 'Cos of the hateration going on in blogworld? I thot of moderating my comments too, 'cos of some yeye folks that disagree with ur views and think the best way to voice there opinions is by cursing u out. For goodness sake, u don't even know me or how i live my life, and u're saying i'm one of those holier than thou people and my post is stupid!
At 3:04 PM ,
Beautifully Human said...
Miguel are you sure you're not a relationship counsellor moonlighting as something else? wow! I never really thought about it in such depth, but I guess I could say some things you said struck a nerve (forever falling - yep that's me!)but its no mean feat 'guarding' one's heart all the time; we're all human afterall with human emotions and some people are more disciplined than others.
At 6:09 PM ,
Proudly Foodie said...
Splendid! Well written! Tell 'em ladies to keep their raging hormones in check. You are the guy, Miguel.
Interesting blog!
At 6:16 PM ,
Miguel said...
@TLOASCM - Blame isn't what leads one to repeat thier actions its their inability to learn from their mistakes or unwillingness to learn from their mistakes. If you've taken time out to heal and you discover you still haven't healed, thats a great first step..clearly you recognize your issues... i guess my advice will be for you to take another approach to resolving your issues... self assessment books or self help books might not be as effective for you as for others... I'll advice you pray.Most times the easiest way to heal is to forgive.
@Funmi - thanks for stopping by. Hope you found my points helpful
@Ms.May- i tried not to take the biblical route in this write-up (I had a number of examples to use.
There are a few things I am willing to compromise on...and YES despite my imperfections, I refuse to date an unbeliever! period!
@Bijou - Na wa ooo those Indian babes are beautiful in their garb... i can't remember the last time i danced so much with a smile on my face...lol...
When you heal, you will know. If you get into a relationship and discover that you are the same you, you don't necessarily have to exit the relationship... You can use that relationship to deal with your issues... I can't say whether its right or wrong to share your hurt with this person but if you've been careful in selecting a partner (not allowed your hormones or need to be with someone), then I see no reason why you shouldnt be able to share it with him. Interviews are typical examples (i think there are great similiarities between interviewing for a position and dating...lol)When the interviewer throws the weakness question at you, you tend to give them what your weakness is but you also make them aware of what you are doing in order to curb it or turn it into a strength.So share with this person what you weaknesses are and what your are doing to curb them. If the person should use this against you, please pick up and LEAVE!!!
Yeah Bijou i decided to moderate comments on my blog. I truly don't have time for air-heads...I read what she typed on your blog and decided to prevent such from happening on mine.Its amazing how people can so easily display their stupidity in such a public forum. I am open to people criticizing my thinking/opinion but i have no tolerance for abuse and my doctor says i am allergic to rubbish.
@beautifully human- thanks for stopping by... yeah its not easy guarding your heart but Proverbs 4:23 says "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." You have to learn how to ... In my case, I ask pertinent questions when i meet a person...I try my utmost best to avoid ladies "fresh out" of a relationship...if I like them a lot I don't mind being friends while they heal...but more than ever before I have vowed never to cross that line until i am sure they've healed.
At 6:22 PM ,
Miguel said...
Joel- thanks for stopping by... you've got a great blog! hows IBanking in Nigeria? might seek your advice i and when i decide its time to move back.
At 4:23 AM ,
Anonymous said...
Well Written, enough said.The truth is always bitter in relationshps but the good thing is we learn day by day from our own mistakes or other people's.
At 9:44 AM ,
Biodun said...
This is a great post, I know it is tough to do the right thing, cos even when I knew better, I still fell for the wrong kinda guys, but I thank God for who I am now n the person I am planning on building my future with, insightful piece, go Counselor Miguel!
At 5:45 PM ,
NaijaBloke said...
Nicely said oga Miguel ..
Anybody can very well fall for the wrong person,but coming out of it and blaming the other person is what I always have problems with.
At 12:08 PM ,
TMinx said...
So true, we like to blame the others and not look within. Its just easier that way I guess. Lately I've been doing some introspection. Hope I'm able to see what others see....Maybe I'll blog about it.
As for silly anonymous peeps, I just DELETE
At 5:41 PM ,
Teva said...
And what does that make you miguel??
At 6:25 PM ,
Miguel said...
@Temmy... I agree.
@Biodun..at least you've found someone that you are willing to build your life with and I trust he feels the same way..so i guess we can conclude you've learnt.
@Naijabloke ...wetin man go talk ooo
@taureanminx...you have a great blog.I truly think if we search deep within ourselves and we are sincere, then it wouldnt be hard finding the truth. I await that blog.
@Teva...I think if you've spent some time reading my blog especially those where i discuss my ex, it'll be clear where i stand.
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